I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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