I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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