He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
