I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
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