Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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