You smell like a Billy Joel song
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
