Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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