He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
