I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
