i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i think i have two assholes
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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