Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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