I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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