I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
