I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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