So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
