I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
two words...techno handjob
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
