And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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