you traded sex for a burrito?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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