we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
