she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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