I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Dating After Heartbreak
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...