apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
