i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
