and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
