bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
