Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
