I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
