I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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