I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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