Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
