You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize