Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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