The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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