I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
