this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
