I cockslap morals
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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