can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
