Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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