I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
