why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
