woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
