i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I can't turn off my feet"
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
