I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
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Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize