I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
