I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
