Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
