you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
