I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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