I heard we made out
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
