Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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