Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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