when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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