Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
