He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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