hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
