the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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