If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
