Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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